To All The Guys I Have Liked Before

    To All The Guys I've Liked Before..
     Let's be completely honest, it was just four of you.
     This is not a love letter.
     Maybe more of a thank you note?
     When I really think about guys that I actually liked, enjoyed their company, literally daydreamed about being with and knowing fully,  as well as picking the brains of, it was only really four guys in my life.
     There are very few guys I have went to school with and met that sparked a desperate-ness in me. Yes, there are a lot of guys I have had a crush on that drove me to want to look my best, want to sit at the front of a social gathering and catch their attention etc. But, there has only been four guys that I admired and was driven to follow their shadow because they walked with confidence and had a vulnerability and humor to them. It was only four guys that made me crave a better version of myself and I was attracted to their uniqueness, constant transformation in learning and thought.
     By the way, I say "Like" because I truly believe I have never fallen in love.. at least not yet. I do not think I ever will to be honest and I don't say that in a  negative or sad way ( but that is a post for another time ).
     So I guess this is more of... To the only four guys I have truly liked before. Each of you moved me to be a better person, and when talking to you guys, I learned there is more to a conversation then Lol. One conversation with each of you and I wanted to change the world. How many people have you come across in your life time that gave you that passion and drive to be better, and do better. There is very few.
     When we think about our "crushes" the first thing that comes into our minds is their physical attributes, but something I came to realize and it might seem "obvious or cliché", but looks is not everything. If everything was stripped away from us and that includes our looks, the hair we work so hard to style a certain way, the make up we paint on our faces, the clothes we are so OCD about and want to color coordinate to a T. If it was all taken away the only thing that will really matter is our heart, personality, and mind. The only thing that will matter is the inner drive waking you up everyday to pursue your hopes and dreams.   I think in a way you need to have some type of attraction but a person's mind, personality, the way they choose to navigate the world and approach the people around them overshadows the physicality ( if that is even a word.. lol).
     So, to the four guys I have liked before
     I hope you each find a girl that gives you the same realizations and sparks you gave me. Thank you that our friendship never became anything more, we are just friends and that is as powerful as a relationship in so many ways. My realizations may be obvious and cliché but I think it takes on a different meaning when feelings are not reciprocated or when you thought someone liked you as much as you liked them but they really don't.. This idea of your mind, personality and attention to detail becomes so much more important because it all comes back to me; do I have that attention to detail, that drive for life, the personality to navigate the world in a way that is inclusive to others around me.
     Each interaction I had with the four of you has led me to a little more inner work on myself and every other crush I had in the past never really sparked those certain learning curves. 

    Nikki O. 

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