I am lucky to have a mom that lives by the saying if you're old enough to ask, you're old enough to hear the answer. No topic was taboo and I always felt that I could ask her anything. It's rare to have that level of trust between mother and daughter and I will cherish it forever and pass on to my own kids some day. Yet, there are some things that I wish I had known about before having sex for the very first time. Knowing what I've listed down below will sadly never erase the fact that the first time is awkward no matter how comfortable and secure you are with your partner. Although to be fair I think the first time doing anything can be slightly nerve-racking, especially when you're physically and emotionally vulnerable.
My upbringing also means that I, as an adult, feel comfortable talking about any subject and I find it to be very liberating. Especially in a world filled to the brim with taboo or controversial topics. All in all I strive to make this blog a safe space for people to go explore and learn about more sensitive topics.
It is important for me to stress that although the first time is more invasive on a woman's anatomy this post will be for, and about, both men and women. It takes two to tango. Also just a heads up: I am writing this blog post from the perspective of a straight woman and even though I've tried to be inclusive the following might be different for you for whatever reason. Without further ado let's get on with 10 things no-one tells you about having sex for the first time.
WHEN ARE YOU READY TO HAVE SEX FOR THE FIRST TIME?
First of all, people want to have sex for different reasons. Some wait until they're married because they want it to be special and with someone they love and are devoted to, some feel the same but are devoted to their partner no matter if they're married or not (remember some people never marry), some are young, some are older, and others just want to see what the heck all the fuss is about. Second, being ready has nothing to do with age. Of course, if it's on the younger side, there are laws to consider but overall age is not always an indication for when you want to try sex for the first time.
For years I thought that I was ready when I really wasn't. I looked up to my older sister who had lost her virginity at a pretty normal age and I thought that when I reached that age I would want to try it as well, but I didn't. In fact, when I was 16 I still thought sex was fairly gross (I've always been late to the party, so to speak). I had two "boyfriends" before the age of 19 but it never ended with sex - much to at least one guy's frustration I imagine. I gave away my virginity at the age of 19 on a one night stand. Honestly, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about and the guy was hot. I desired him and he desired me, and it never became more than that.
Expectations can be hard to manage because you hear a lot about the first time but not many actually sit down and really talk about it. That's a shame because one's expectations are important. Or at least I think they are. I think many people put sex up on a pedestal when in reality it will most likely be a pretty down to earth experience. Reality always has a way of washing away the glitter you've added in your mind.
I think the keyword is to be comfortable with the one you're about to have sex with (that goes for sex in general, not just the first time). It's a cliché to say but it has become so for a reason: if you're not comfortable, don't do it. And I'm not talking about being nervous because that's inevitable (sorry). If you at any point feel that it's wrong and that you don't want to do it then it doesn't matter if it's 2 seconds before penetration (or whatever you're doing), you say no! And no, you don't need another reason than: "I don't want to do it." That goes for guys as well!
I genuinely think it is better to keep an open mind when you're about to have sex for the first time and not expect too much. It probably won't be an amazing experience and you will most likely be left thinking "why do people love having sex so much?" I know I did. My expectations weren't high so I wasn't disappointed when the whole experience turned out a bit meh. I have no regrets.
I want to add that when people say "you will learn to love it" they are right* but I want to tell you that it will most likely be best with a partner you're completely comfortable with AND only after you've had sex a certain amount of times. I think it took me 1-2 months to really get used to the feeling and start to truly enjoy it.
*Of course, if you're asexual that will probably not be the case.
SEEING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME
Listen, genitalia aren't pretty. They just aren't. They're practical, though, because nature meant for them to serve one purpose: reproduction*. Trust me, nature did not design our reproduction system to look fancy, hence why they don't.
*A quick one to the ladies (and men who might be interested): even though the clitoris only has one purpose - pleasure - scientists speculate that it is a helping factor in reproduction because stimulation make the woman want to come back for more. It's not a fact (yet) but it would make a lot of sense.
I have no idea what guys think when they see a vagina for the first time (please enlighten me in the comment section down below). Obviously not talking about porn where they most likely have watched many a vagina (some girls too). I imagine it can be hard to find your way around that neighbourhood at first.
I vividly remember the first time a fully grown penis was presented to me. Men may not realise it but when you're a virgin, and see a penis up close for the first time, the first thought may very well be: "that thing cannot fit anywhere in my body and I'm not actually sure I want it to go anywhere." It doesn't matter what size your penis is, it can be intimidating! Now, anyone is probably aware of oneself and nervous about what the other person is going to think of their penis or vagina, and I therefore advise both men and women to be kind to one another. You don't have to lie but a lot of things can be said in a kind and respectful fashion. No vagina or penis are alike, we're all different and we should celebrate that.
LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY WON'T NECESSARILY HURT (BUT ENTERING TOO QUICKLY MIGHT)
Every single one of my girlfriends back when I was a teenager told me that losing my viginity would hurt. To clarify: I mean when the hymen is broken which can also happen in non-sexual situations. They all gave up their virginity before I did, and when their statements started to bother me I asked my mom about it and her answer calmed me down. She said that she hadn't felt any discomfort nor had my sister when I asked her. I wonder if it's genetic because I also never felt any pain whatsoever. Aferwards, I was actually in doubt if my hymen had been broken at all. What I felt most was the friction that comes from lack of lubrication. Every woman is different so it makes sense that a woman's hymen is as well. I reckon some are simply more thin of thick than others, and that if it is thick it can hurt. I don't know if it's true but to me it makes sense.
Another thing that can hurt is if the man enters the woman without proper lubrication. I know for a fact that it can hurt a woman - me being one and all that - but only recently did I discover that it can hurt the man, too. Why it never dawned on me I don't know because the penis is a sensitive organ so it makes sense that too much friction can hurt a man just as bad.
SEX CAN BE EXTREMELY AWKWARD!
What films and porn in general don't teach you is that arms and legs easily get stuck or are in the way. You can have problems positioning you and your partner right, and it may take a few tries when trying positions that are a bit more exotic than the missionary. Sometimes you can get stuck in your head and you need to take a step back to get the car back up to speed so to speak etc. So many things about having sex can get awkward so it is important that you are with someone who you're comfortable enough with to sort of laugh it off before it gets too serious and even more awkward. From experience I can say that not taking sex so serious and allowing yourself to laugh with your sexpartner can really defuse the tension and saves you a lot of mental sorrows afterwards.
WEIRD SOUNDS AND SMELLS
So many weird sounds can occur while having sex with someone whether they're intentional or not. Thrusts where skin hits skin, air getting into the vagina which results in queefing, fluids being squished about etc. You may try not to make a lot - if any - sounds but it's inevitably going to happen at one point or another.
Scents and smells are another inevitable part of having sex. It, of course, depends on how exotic your sexlife it but I dare say for most people you wil get to smell a thing or two during sex at one point or another. Skin, for one, always smell of something. Try sniffing your arm, for instance. Why would genetalia skin be any different? This is also the reason why hygiene is important for everyone involved to create an, let's say, inviting environment to be around.
A paragraf mostly for the men. Some men seem to be born with a good sexual stamina but generally I think men tend to ejaculate quite quickly the first few times they have sex and then slowly build up their stamina from there. If you're like this, congratulations! You're normal! What I mean is that I sense that it can feel a bit embarrassing for the man but there's truly nothing to be embarrassed about. I also feel it's crucial that the partner you're with show empathy and understanding. Again, diffuse the tension and start practicing instead. It's also way more fun that way *wink wink* What I'm trying to say is that just because you ejaculated doesn't mean that the sex has to be over. Give yourself some time, talk with your sexpartner about whatever and before you know it you'll be back. OR you can do other types of sexual play. It doesn't always have to revolve around the penis!
THE NOT-ALWAYS-ERUPTING VOLCANO
For the lads out there: sometimes you don't ejaculate! And it is okay! A personal pet peeve of mine is that many (in my experience) thinks that when the man ejaculates sex is over. As a women it's really fucking annoying if you're having sex with a man who ejaculates after 5 min. On the opposite side you have the scenario where the man either goes soft for some reason or performance anxiety sets in and it just ain't happening. It is normal and therefore important to, once again, show understanding and not be judgemental in any way. Obviously the same can be the case for women but I dare say it's a more often occurance for men. I could be wrong, though, the possibility is there.
Fun fact: did you know that a man can have an orgasm without ejaculation?
WHAT COMES IN MUST COME BACK OUT
One of the things I really wish I had known before having sex is that when a man comes inside a woman (or another man I assume) the semen comes back out when she afterwards stands upright. It might seem silly but it was so shocking a revelation to me that I worried about it for days before finally asking my mom if that was normal. Luckily, it is normal, but also inconvenient. It means that it will drip out of you as you stand or walk right after sex and honestly, who wants to clean up semen off of the floor afterwards? Such an anticlimax. Personally, I don't like the feeling because it feels like you're peeing without being able to stop it. It would be truly helpful if your body just absorbed it but that's reality for you folks.
WHAT HAPPENS AFTER YOU GIVE UP YOUR VIRGINITY?
I can only speak from my own experience as a straight woman. Right after I felt a tiny bit sore but I still think it was more due to insufficient lubrication than actually my hymen being broken. I remember going to the bathroom to pee and a few drops of blood fell into the toilet water. That was it. That's why I was sure that my hymen in fact had been broken and that I officially wasn't a virgin anymore. Even though I expected nothing it still felt a bit anticlimactic. No light shining down on me while violins played in the background, no feeling any different in any way. I felt just as much like myself as I had done the morning before. That's why I am of the opinion that your virginity is severely overrated. To me it truly wasn't a big deal and it changed nothing really.
Of course other people might feel totally different about it. Especially if they have other values or expectations, I don't know. I've never heard anyone talk about this particular experience before, but I would like to know. I guess what I'm trying to say that you might want to adjust your expectations. By the end of the day you're still you.
Having sex for the first time can be nerve-racking but in the end sex is supposed to be fun and pleasureable. Take comfort in the fact that it most likely won't keep being awkward and that no-one can be great at something the first time they do it. Everything takes practice and sex is no different.
Did you learn anything new?
Did you feel any different after giving up your virginity?
Do you think that sex education in general could be better?
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