What the F*** is a FWB and other dating mysteries

What the F*** is FWB and other dating mysteries

Picture it: that colleague you got on well with caught your attention at some after work drinks thing. You head back at his and next thing you know you’ve found yourself in FWB territory. 

Whether you’re actively searching for it, find yourself in the grip of it, or have a front row view to your best friend’s FWB situation – FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS is something that we’re all familiar with; it captures our imagination along with our fears. But what the heck actually is it? Let’s dish the dirt, find out what shape and form FWB’s come in and how they make us feel. 

“A friend with whom one has casual sexual relations without commitments.” Merriam-Webster Definition.

What came first: the friendship or the sex?

Just like the chicken or the egg story, it can be hard to get you’re head around it. We sure know how our heads spin. The best place to start is ‘What do I think about sex?’ A simple question like this can go a long way in unraveling the messy tangle that can be FWB. 

Is it always a prelude to a relationship to you, is there something shameless or dirty about sex, or do you feel emotional commitment toward sex. Ideally, you will have healthy and positive associations with sex. Whatever your answers may be, the important thing is to ask yourself these questions… it’s probably a good idea to ask your FWB what he thinks about it too.  

No matter what floats your boat, the key (and this goes much further than just talking about FWB relationships) is to be open, communicative and as happy as you can be about your own situation. 

It ain’t no booty-call

So, now we've got our heads round the in’s and out’s of what a FWB is, how does friend’s with benefits actually come into play? 

From our experience, FWB’s blossom from somewhere there was already a certain level of trust, empathy and understanding, rather than some late night hookup at the end of a night in a club (although we’re not ruling this out as a uncouth beginning to a friendship or more than that; no judgments here!). 

However, an FWB is not to be confused with a late night booty-call (although yes you’re right, sometimes an FWB does happen in folds of after hour darkness). A friend with benefit has a mutual level of vested interest and feeling toward you. It is mostly about sex, but not solely. It’s a level above a booty-call. Speaking of levels…

Level up: the casual, the bold and the ugly

Defining the parameter of your FWB relationship is notoriously tricky! It has a lot to do with if this guy is just an acquaintance, a buddy, or your best friend. It has a lot to do also with perspective, whether you’re both seeing things on the same page, or reading different books entirely. 

The Casual

We’ve coined it ‘The Casual’, we know a girl who calls hers ‘The Lame’, but whatever you title it, having a friend with benefits who is more acquaintance than friend has some potential dangers. This is the guy you kinda know, that colleague in your office on the floor above, who seems to love the same bars you do. There’s potential for some really awkward next day (or week) ‘what did I just do?’ moments, but mostly there’s less strings attached because neither of you are as emotionally invested or clued up about each other. Although, that can also mean it sidle into the booty-call category.

Our advice: approach with mild caution. 

The Bold

The buddy you get on really well with, have a good laugh with, can hang out and feel totally natural with… and sometimes sleep with. He’s ‘The Bold’. They’re often (from our experience) the most fun, because you empathize and know each other well, whilst at the same time you’re good enough friends to be open about the fact that neither of you want to move in together. It can be the recipe for a super-sweet FWB, but also for disaster, as the lines of friendship and deeper feelings can turn it into whirlwind of confusion. 

Our advice: enter boldly and be aware of where the ‘Eject’ button is located.

The Ugly

Ah, the old ‘best-friend-turned-best-friend-with-benefits’ story.  The greatest joys and greatest dangers lurk here in our experience. 

It’s an incredible place to find yourself in. That happy brief moment where you’re with your best friend in a fun carefree sex-bubble that sugar coasted and is just incredible. It can be a slippery slope to either something much more serious and beautiful (congratulations. You’ve found your soul mate) or disastrous (Condolences, you’ve lost your best friend forever)

Our advice:  Danger zone, enter at your own risk.

Yup, I’ve got a FWB. What next?

It’s a really good idea to think about how your FWB is gonna fly with your social interactions, as FWB’s are notoriously messy. One of the ‘requirements’ of a successful FWB is for it not to interfere with your existing friendships and social groups. From our experience, less questions the better – whether he’s an integral part of your friendship group or more on the periphery. So, sometimes it’s easier to keep it an exciting secret between the two involved. Although, as we said, each to their own. No judgments here!

And if he’s an FWB from work, this is an even more delicate tightrope to walk. Stay professional, no matter what the FWB outcome. 

Minefield or flower field?

Everything has its risks and Friends With Benefits can be a hell of a risky business with so many delicate things to balance (or not).  So, whether a FWB is a minefield or a flower field to you, we leave you with this food for thought: 

How well do you know yourself and your feelings?

Don’t get complacent if you’re in an FWB. Respect, always. However, although sexually satisfied, don’t let this stop you from searching for your perfect fit who may lie in other flower fields yet to be explored. Also, never say never. Be open to change and most importantly be aware of what you need to be happy. If it makes you feel good, do it. If it’s hurting you, stop. There are so many wonderful opportunities out there, go grab them. 

And at the end of the day, no matter what happens, you’ve always a night out with the girls. Right?