Cummunication 101 #17 (originally posted on www.sexuallymindful.com on 23 October 2020)
I mean duh! It is a sex blog. Something has nagged at me for a while. People shy away from talking about sex openly and as couples. It is my experience that people tend to clam up when sex comes up. Of course, you have the people who say, 'what happens between a couple in the bedroom should stay there'. They avoid talking about sex so much that they avoid folks like me in some sort of fear that sex will inevitably come up at some point. The truth is it IS deeply personal and can be one of the hardest things to talk about for most people. I am very passionate about destigmatizing sex and talking about sex, you know *cummunication*. See what I did there?
I know with every fiber of my being if you can talk openly and honestly about sex with your spouse/ significant other (SO) you will:
- Be able to discuss any issue
- Be able to face and get through any issue
- Have better sex
- Be happier
We are sexual beings; if our needs are not being met, we will either live miserably or forsake our promise we made to our spouse/SO. Faking orgasms happens across all demographics for a variety of reasons. Why? Survey after survey for the last 30 years show the top two responses are:
- To end the sex act
- To appease their partner
Why are we so quick to appease our partners but not please ourselves? I am not directing that rhetorical question at anyone in an abusive relationship. This is for the spouses/SOs where nothing is wrong per say in the relationship, but they just go through the motions of sex. They usually do not enjoy it and it is or has become a chore. Faking it has become a way of life. I know what I said earlier that sex is one of the HARDEST (no pun intended) topics in the human conversation. We rather just not deal with it, so we say nothing and suffer in silence or seek out our desires elsewhere. I encourage you to just rip the band aid off, claim, own and embrace your sexuality!
If you do not know what you like in the sack, start there. Self-Care, Discovery and Exploration are the best ways… figure it out! If you do know what you like and your spouse/SO isn't doing that or doing it in a way you prefer…OPEN.YOUR.MOUTH and cummunicate! You do not need to be as blunt as I would be or have been and you probably do not want to be. There have been a lot of hurt feelings because of my bluntness over the years.
On a positive note, what I can say is, because of my ability to talk about sex freely, I have had good and great sex most of my adult life. I am not bragging, I just want you to know, if this is something you struggle with, there is hope. However, being able to vocalize your needs, wants and desires sexually is really only half the battle. You also need to be able to listen, accept and implement your spouse’s/SO's wants, needs and desires too. As they may list things that you do or do not do, that they like, don’t like or maybe even hate.
I am not saying if you have a less than stellar or mediocre sex life you can't face challenges. That would be silly. Couples face challenges and survive despite being dissatisfied sexually or intimately. However, I do believe that if you are dissatisfied sexually, that in and of itself brings other direct/indirect challenges into your lives and into your relationship. What I am saying with 150% confidence is that if you and your spouse/SO can talk about your sex, you CAN get through anything! ANY.THING!
I offer the following tips on Cummunication:
- Don't snap at your spouse/SO (especially if this is how you have been intimate in your relationship).
- Don't get frustrated; you’re on the same team and a 'win-win' scenario is the mutual goal.
- Don't take it personally; *This one can be tough; we all dislike negative feedback, but this will benefit you both. Think of this in transactional terms; you are both providing a service and you want to know if what you provide is top notch or bottom of the barrel and what and how you can improve.
- Do talk in a non-threatening environment (probably best not in the middle of being intimate).
- Do be honest.
- Do expect honesty in return.
- Do keep an open mind; somethings may be intimidating to you; talk through it. New things can be exciting, this cummunication will have you both trying new things.
- Do take things slow; just because you are cummunicating does not mean you have to try EVERYTHING or even all at once.
- Do ask for feedback.
- Do accept the feedback.
- Do practice mindfulness together.
Cummunication brings a higher and deeper type of intimacy. The kind of intimacy that can get you through ANYTHING! (See above). Should you need assistance in getting the Cummunication started, book a session with me at www.sexuallymindful.com.
JohnE and I are still blowing each other minds after 17 years of marriage and a slew of crappy challenges.
You can too! C-U Next time.