Lust And Dust | Lost Love Letters Volume II

1; If Freud were still alive, I'd have to issue him an apology. My mother was cruel to me when I was five and little did I know, our little psychoanalyst was right when he said you'll find the same character from an old parent reincarnated in a new lover. I found: A pretty girl,  cruel and manipulative in equal measure. Why couldn't I just find a nice girl? I think the soft kisses made it worth it. What an awful bargain. But what I'd do to have it again. 

2; I made this volume just for you. I remember you making me laugh when I was feeling so down in that cold room. It made me feel lighter that during that awful day and I never got the chance to thank you. I never looked pretty for that age, but you looked at me like I was so valued. I don't know how else to describe that look. This single memory is one of my favorite memories I frequently take out to look at, and I can't believe I can't remember the color of your eyes anymore. Were they green? I wish I still had the flowers you drew on my calculator with a formula you came up with. I don't know where you are now, but in between daydreams, I think of you. 

3; What's the point of love letters if I only just recall all the bullshit you gave me? The good memories, they're all so buried deep within me, it took a few days to unearth all of them, and bring them to light again. Fuck, I am starting to forget and I'm not even in my seventies yet. I remember. You were very good at forgiving. And I remember us star-gazing together. Undressing each other while we were high. When I pull out these memories like soft, tangles of satin ribbons, they feel like tangible lies. Because it doesn't make the bad things you did to me go away. 

4;  Do you remember me reading twohundred chapters of Bleach for you in one night? I can't believe my shy-ass freshman self did that. I wanted to talk to you that morning, and I didn't want anyone else to interrupt me. I think you started liking me too during our sophomore year. But it was too late by then. And then, I thought you came back to me, senior year, but nothing gets in the way of self-destruction, baby. Not even love. Or being used to get over an ex. Thanks for saying I was beautiful like fireworks. If we were a coming of age novel, you'd be the popular guy chasing the unpopular girl in that uncommonly used trope. 

5; I already know that if you're right here beside me, you'd bitch at me complaining why you're at number five. Yes, bitch, you're number five, sit your ass down. But we'd also have such good laughs. Boys kiss differently than girls. It took a while to get used to French kissing. By the time, I got used to it, you were already gone.  Do you still remember the festival we went to and we held hands all day until the skies turned dark and the stories you used to tell me?  Walking from archeology to chemistry together, was one of the fondest memories, I had of you.  And stop laughing at me every time the spiders keep hitting me in Legend of Zelda. The scenery that always made me think of you is Komorebi. 

What is gone,

 is gone. 

6; You're the most reliable person I know. And you give the best hugs. If we met just five years earlier, the twenty-one-year-old girl in me would have swooned. Thanks for coming to see me twice even though our friendship was no longer warm or new. I can't believe in six years you forget the things that used to make you smile. There are films and artists, I'd always associate with you. 

7;  You were a friend for a summer and that's all you ever were. Although, you falsely promised much more. 

8; I still have old texts from you. And while they don't make me cry anymore, my heart still does. I like how unaged feelings are.  Time never wears them away. They're as new and dazzling as the day you put them away in a drawer you promised never to open again. Sometimes, it's twenty fifteen again, and you'd send me drunk texts asking for kisses and second chances.

9; So much for the strip poker lessons you gave me, when I couldn't even hide how upset I was lying on top of you in your room after you told me, we should probably stop. But I agree, it was so fun. I wish I sat on your lap while we were watching your documentary like you offered. I don't know why I got so shy out of nowhere. But playing with your golden hair while you rest your head on my lap is just as good of a memory. I wanted to comfort you about the ancient forest burning, but it's probably unlikely that you'd like to hear from me. 

10;  Are all fire signs good with playing with other people's skin? Or are they just well-versed in getting under them?

11; When you read this, I'm going to need airmail kisses of forehead kisses pronto. See you in the summer of 2021, I guess.  If I make it there. If you make it. The only thing worse than games of hide-and-seek is delayed games of hide-and-seek. 

12; You're in your forties and I'm in my twenties. I didn't think the age gap was a problem. But the whole ex thing was. It hit like a heavy washing machine like you see in those acme cartoon shows. It's funny now that I've had time to heal. I still enjoyed our conversations and your Cassanova stories. And the kisses that tickled. Anyway, thanks for respecting my decision to be alone. 

13; Thanks for calling me a lady.

14; Thanks for the lingering stare. It's all that's left to say. 

Footnote: Shout out to the Fitzgeralds for making all soppy and nostalgic in the middle of the pandemic. Happy 100 year anniversary to my favorite co-authors (Yes, I know Scott was a prick for not giving Zelda any credits, but they're still my favorite divorced slash adopted parents . _ .;;;). There are hidden songs in this stack of love letters that thankfully would never get sent. Because imagine the embarrassment of having to confront my feelings in front of the recipient or non-recipient in this case. I don't know if I'll make a volume three of this series. But I actually really enjoyed making this. Even if the purpose is just to siphon away any vulnerability so I can finally be the lonely god that I am designed to be (Yoo shout out to my fellow Capricorns with a god complex). There were some people that I admittedly forgot in the first one. Well, I didn't forget them in the first draft, but in the final draft they didn't get their spot, so I'm glad I have a space for them in volume ii. Numbers do not necessarily correspond to the previous volume. Yes, I'm bi, and I let one girl destroy me. The end. If you didn't make it on either list, I guess you were just too fucking unimportant. The list is also not linear. I jumped around so it doesn't mean they were written in sequential order. Some come before, some after. Some overlap. I tagged this under 'love during the time of Covid' and let me tell you, that this is the only way to show romantic love during a pandemic: full of longing and regret and separation. Not making your mask touch each other and exchange fluids that way. Dear Lord.  Anyway, I made this series, for the pure reason of blog traffic? Lol. Maybe. I've decided I'm ending my own dating timeline. But now my traffic for relationship content has run dry, so here I am reminiscing. I titled this Lust and Dust to echo Fitzgerald worshipping failure and his sentiment that every beginning is an ending, no matter how intense the feelings that were developed at the early bloom of a relationship. (Only SoundCloud tracks are included for the Fashion PotLuck publication.)