Low libido doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed (or that your desire will never pick back up again). However, if you’re experiencing low sex drive it’s important to take a step back and examine your relationship and how it’s doing. A lot of times, your connection with your partner – or lack thereof – affects how much you feel in the mood for sex.
1. You have sex to avoid conflict
If you’ve been sleeping with your partner to keep the peace or to make them happy – you’re not alone. It is, however, likely one of the big reasons behind your lacklustre libido.
Several studies show that the reasons we have sex, can affect our desire both positively and negatively.
Having sex as a way of connecting or experiencing intimacy – leads to more satisfaction and a higher sex drive.
Having sex as a means of avoiding conflict and irritation, is one of the common causes of low libido in women.
Sex turns into a chore, or worse – into something we dread. In some cases, it may even start to feel like you’re being used or sexually assaulted. For all of these reasons and more, it’s important to stop having sex you don’t want to have.
Solution: Learning how to communicate about sex is crucial if you want to get out a negative sex cycle. In my online course Reclaiming Desire, you get the tools and strategies necessary to get out of this hamster wheel of negative sexual experiences – and into a positive one, where you have sex because you want to have sex. Get on the waitlist for my course and be the first to know when the doors open again.
2. You’re arguing and misunderstanding each other
Research shows that conflict in relationships as well as general communication difficulties, are common causes of low libido in women. If you and your partner are constantly misunderstanding each other or feel like the other one is annoying – it makes perfect sense you don’t want to have sex with them, right?
Solution: In my free resource, Talking Sex, there are several exercises on how to avoid misunderstandings and conflict about sex. You and your partner will be able to pinpoint where things go wrong in your communication, and how to change it, so you can get back to an intimate and loving connection.
3. You’ve been together for ages
For a lot of us, long relationships or marriages are the goal. However, in some ways, reaching this goal can be an antidote to our sex drives.
Although the novelty of a new partner is popularly thought to be more important to men’s libido than women’s, a study by Murray & Milhausen (2012) would have us believe otherwise. The study concluded that the length of a relationship seemed to be more detrimental to women’s sexual desire than men’s.
Long-term monogamous relationships are also iterated as a cause of low libido in Bergner’s book ”What Women Want”. Research also shows that for all genders, sexual desire naturally decreases about 6 months to 2,5 years into the relationship.
So, if you’ve been in your relationship for a long time – chances are the length in and of itself, might be one of the reasons you’re experiencing a low sex drive.
Solution: Don’t fret – you don’t necessarily have to end things with your partner to get your sex drive back. There are lots of ways of creating desire within a long relationship.
One way, often talked about by psychotherapist Esther Perel, is cultivating your own identity so you don’t fuse together. Another, is by joining my online course Reclaiming Desire: filled with tips, strategies and tools to understand and get your sex drive back (get on the waitlist here).
4. You’re experiencing a lack of intimacy
Physical and emotional intimacy is often thought to be part of what triggers sexual desire. Because of this, a disconnect with your partner – can negatively affect your libido. One of the causes of low libido in women, is in fact a lack of intimacy in the relationship.
Solution: Increasing intimacy doesn’t have to be complicated. To make it simple, you can use my free resource Intimate Q&A. It contains a series of quotes and corresponding questions about sex and emotions to help you and your partner talk about the difficult stuff and get closer to one another – in turn, increasing libido.
CULTURAL REASONS
Society has a sneaky way of impacting women’s libido. It might sound strange – but more often than not, our culture shapes how we feel about intimacy and our sexuality. This is why cultural factors are some of the most common causes of low libido in women.
1. You feel embarrassed or ashamed about what turns you on
What we like sexually might not always be what we think we should like. As women, we’re often taught that sex is dirty – and the less our turn-ons align with messages about female sexuality in the media, the more we can feel uncomfortable about what we like.
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