Why Didn't You Fight?

Why didn't you fight for me?

Why didn't you fight for us?

When you're in a relationship with someone, you like to think that that person will do everything in their power to show you how much they love you and how much they need you. Or perhaps it's just me?

I must be a hopeless romantic. I have these illusions that a relationship is a team, a dynamic duo where two people want to show their partner in crime that they love them. That's what I did. 

I told my partner how amazing he was. I told him how beautiful and handsome he was in my eyes. I told him constantly how much I loved him and how much he meant to me.

But where was my compliments? Where was my showering of kind words that told me what you thought of me? Did you even find me attractive? Even now I wouldn't be able to tell you if I thought this was how you felt.

Caylee Cresta has a TikTok account where she posts some amazing content, and of all of the ones I have seen, the screenshot I have attached below hits home the hardest.

Women Stay Until There Is Nothing Left.

And that's what I did. I stayed until there was nothing left, and even then I still tried to stay. Because all I wanted, all I needed was for you to say "I love you. I don't want you to go. Please stay. I need you"

I want to feel wanted. I want to feel needed. Months of telling you this, you still couldn't figure out a way to do this. You didn't fight to work things out for us.

I like to do the little things that will make your day easier. I will do your washing. I will make you cups of coffee without being asked. I will send you messages in the day to remind you that you're on my mind.

Yet, every time I told you "I need you to show me you love me" I was left feeling like the most irritating human in the world. How am I meant to open up my heart to anyone now, after months of feeling ridiculed for having emotions and having needs? 

I told you the things I wanted us to do with our future, when I thought we had one. I told you about the family I wanted us to start together. I told you about the life I wanted us to live. The adventures I thought we would go on together. But all that time you didn't even want to see past the end of the week, because you wanted to live in the moment. I understand that. But even someone who travels for a living has an idea of what they want to do with themselves. 

Did you just not want to think about a future with me? Did you not see a future with me? Did you just want to keep me for company?

I feel broken. I feel heartbroken. I feel alone.

Why didn't you fight for us? Why didn't you fight for me? 

I'm packing my suitcase, telling you I'm going to be moving out, and you go quiet. You don't tell me how you really feel. You don't tell me what you really want. You don't tell me if you want me. You don't tell me you love me and can't see a future without me.

You didn't fight for us. 

While I'm still here, battling with myself that it's a stupid idea to want to keep fighting for us. But my heart wants to keep fighting. My heart wants to keep believing. I want to fight for us. But I don't want this fight to be a one way battle.

You didn't fight for us. And I don't think you ever will.