Cummunication 101 # 7/8 Tips for self-discovery and exploration
Sorry fellas, this one is mostly for the ladies. I am not saying there are zero dudes out there that have never gotten in touch with themselves literally or figuratively. However, having raised four dudes and being married to one gives me the confidence to say the probability of that is VERY LOW.
DISCLAIMER This post is not for the ‘you don’t enjoy sex anymore because of past sexual trauma or assault’ group. As well, this is not for the ‘you don’t enjoy sex anymore because something is physically awry causing painful sex due to injuries sustained from childbirth or residual problems from sexually transmitted infections (STIs)’ groups either.
If any of the above disclaimer sounds like you or resonated with you at all, please make an appointment with your medical and/or mental health providers before seeking the help of an intimacy/sex coach (aka me).
However, if you love and are devoted to your husband/significant other (SO), hardly or never touch yourself, do not know what you like or want sexually, never had an orgasm and sex has just become a chore in your marriage/relationship…read on, it gets interesting!
What do you like? Oh! you don’t know, and you don’t even know how to answer that? I mentioned in a previous post that if you do not know what you like sexually, how can you expect your husband/SO to know what you like?
I offer some tips below on getting to know you, getting to know all about you. It’s better if you sing that last part. You may notice sensations while you try one, some or all of these tips…take a mental note and refer back to them at a later time.
These are just tips, if something doesn’t work for you, move on.
1. Visually inspect your lady bits. Try sitting naked and with a mirror check your vagina out. Do not judge yourself here. Gently explore your vulva a little at a time. This can be sexual if you’d like, but also serves as an important health check. NO ONE should be more familiar with your #cooch than you! Changes can mean something is wrong and if you aren’t familiar with the sight of it, touch of it, smell of it, dare I say, taste of it…you could miss some VERY important warning signs.
2. Journal. This can be written or oral …jot down or record (as often as you can) your deepest most intimate thoughts and desires (non-judgmentally of course). This again can be healthy as well as sexual. You may discover fantasies you did not know you had or were in to.
3. Porn. Have you ever watched it? What parts do you gravitate towards? According to #Glamour these 15 porn sites are produced ethically and are geared towards women: https://www.glamour.com/story/5-porn-sites-for-women-that-youll-really-really-enjoy
4. Erotica. Have you ever read or listened? What parts get you tingly? You can check out erotica on podcasts, audible or kindle.
5. Mindfulness Body Scan. This can be guided or not and you can find a ton of free ones with a simple google search (DO NOT PAY $$$). Perform the scan by yourself minimally clothed or naked. Do it at least once a day for 10 days. Be mindful of different sensations as you mentally focus on each part of your body. Once you become more comfortable with you and doing the body scan, imagine different sensations you would like to feel against your body. Try doing and holding Kegels (not to strengthen, but to add sensation).
6. #Touchyoself! No self-discovery discussion should eliminate masturbation. “You want me to do what? No way, I am much too conservative! It goes against my upbringing.” I get it, I was raised Catholic. I understand how scary and intimidated you might be feeling right now just reading this. AND if you have never touched yourself, this might be uncomfortable at first. Slowly and softly touch your body, your vagina, touch your breasts, softly caress your nipples (or pull and tug a bit if that is your thing) Point is, you do not really know what your thing is until you try it…PERIOD! Think about something that brings you pleasure and arousal. This is all YOU, you alone touching yourself and making you feel so good! While it might be awkward at first, think about how improved your sex life will be when you realize what you want/like and cummunicate that to your hubby/SO! I know they will enjoy you letting them know a thing or two, pleasing you the way you want to be pleased, heck they may also enjoy watching you show them what you like.
7. Toys. I will not get into specifics on which to use and where, that is for a future blog! Toys can enhance your self-discovery and sex life 1,000-fold! If you do not know which toy(s) to use, or where to even begin, please reach out and we can chat about it.
You can schedule a session quickly right here on my page: www.sexuallymindful.com Sessions are 100% online!
8. The wetter the better…get some and add some lube. Everything slides, glides and feels so much better when its wet! Lube can jazz things up while alone and/or when with your hubs/SO.
This journey is NOT and should not be about the BIG ‘O’.
This is the time for you to enjoy you… intimately, sensually, and sexually so sex is more enjoyable and not such a drag for you! If you have never had an orgasm, you could be searching for one right now on your road to self-discovery! Lord knows I want you to find it just as much as you do…but do not make this your GOAL.
Do NOT judge yourself if it does not happen. Pleasure comes in many waves, forms, sensations, catalysts and lasts as long as you want it to. The building up and continual pleasure can be much more enjoyable than the orgasm itself, which for most women is usually the finale. Savor every moment of getting to know yourself. It is about time you two are introduced!!!!! C-U next time!