This is my first post of a five part blog series all about orgasms.
Not everyone can achieve an orgasm. In fact, according to Woman's Day 10-40% of women have trouble reaching orgasm. This post, however, is for those of us who can achieve orgasms. To debunk any misinformation that you may have heard, yes, you can have a 'not so great' orgasm.
When it happens for me, I usually chalk it up to my mood or my frame of mind. For me, my 'not so great' orgasms are super quick and always feel forced. I am left feeling like 'ugh, what was that?'. I am not usually upset because I can almost always pinpoint the 'why'; I feel off, I am in pain, my mind was somewhere else or I wasn’t really orgasmic yet.
So the list below provides tips on how to have a mind blowing orgasm the majority of the time. It is mostly compiled from my own experiences and partly compiled from the knowledge I have gained being an intimacy coach. Please take it with a grain of salt and a dose of reality.
No one person is the same, no one orgasm is the same and no one person orgasms the same as another.
Tip 1: Take it slow and steady. This means exactly what it says. SLOW DOWN. Allow yourselves the time to experience every sensation of foreplay, slow your breathing, savor the wetness of the kiss, the smell of each other, the warmth of your bodies and the friction of it all.
Tip 2: Vary the sensations. If you are stroking your partner, speed up then go slow and intentional. Grip the penis harder and then softer and repeat. If you are stroking the vulva, do not, I repeat DO NOT just hone in on the clitoral hood (so much more to the clitoris than just what you see) check out my blog on Cliterally Speaking to learn more. Touch all over the body except that spot with varying amounts of pressure all around. Enjoy them enjoying what you are doing.
Tip 3: Take each other to the edge. Edging. If you have not tried this, STOP reading this and go get busy and try this immediately! Just kidding, but seriously why haven't you tried this yet? Johne and I have been incorporating this for years now. Edging is the act/art of getting your partner to the brink (hence edge) of orgasm then stopping and then starting again. This will enhance your orgasm, promise! It also greatly increases your chances of cumming together almost every time! And you will enjoy high fiving that! Read some great 'how to' tips on Edging by Stuart Nugent here at Volonte.
Tip 4: Round and round. The best motion for clitoral stimulation (when you get to this point… see above!) is a circular motion vice direct pressure. So even though it may be time to press the button, don’t actually press it. Circle your fingers, tongue or sexcessories around the clitoral hood. Same applies to the penis. Circle your tongue, hand and fingers all over the tip, head, shaft and do not skip the balls, taint or anus, folks. These are VERY pleasurable areas even for the most hetrosexual of men.
Tip 5: Lube it up! Whether you are flying solo or with your partner, lube, lube, lube. You will thank me later. Friction can be very pleasurably, but let's face it, friction on your vulva or penis when there should not be is not fun for anyone involved! Lube brings the other senses to the table: sound, *smell, *taste (*if it is flavored), and touch. Hands, fingers, tongues, sexcessories slide easily which is very sensual and will heighten already erotic feelings. Lube JUST makes things better. Check out my post Lube for the Win as Johne and I just recently discovered the awesomeness of lube!
Tip 6: Practice makes perfect. Umm, full disclosure, I am also a Girl's High School Varsity Soccer Coach and really this CANNOT be overstated. Anything you want to improve in your life takes PRACTICE, effort, intrinsic motivation. You want a mind blowing orgasm and the ability to have one in 90-99% of all of your sexcapades? You need to practice. Do not think of it as a chore though. Sex and foreplay is fun and releases feel good hormones (NEWSFLASH!!!! Even if you don’t orgasm!) so just enjoy yourself, your partner or your sexcessory and enjoy the moment.
Tip 7: Get your head in the game! Yup, I told you I am a soccer coach. But this is SOOOOO true during sexcapades as well, see above where I said 'my mind was elsewhere'. This can certainly throw a wrench in any sexpisode, so get your head in the game. Enjoy yourself and your partner. Sex is supposed to be a good time, right? Practice mindfulness! How? You can check out my blog What is being #sexuallymindful, anyways? There are literally thousands of articles and free resources and 'How Tos' on how to practice mindfulness. Find one today, it wont just help in your sex lives!
Tip 8: Let's get Physical. We all know physical exercise at least 3 times a week is good for you. DUH, right? Did you know when you consistently work out, you feel better about yourself? Even sexier? When you feel sexy you are confident and Confidence is Sexy… yeah I got a blog on that too! When you feel sexy, ding, ding, ding… your mind is already in the prime mind blowing orgasmic position. For women, mind blowing orgasms are more mental than physical. So get ahead of the game and feel sexy prior to the bedroom!
Tip 9: Pain can be pleasurable. Did you know when you are aroused your pain threshold increases? You may find it very enjoyable to be bitten or spanked in certain areas. Pain can add to your orgasm. Take your time to feel (literally) these acts out and try not to get frustrated with your partner if you asked for something, then end up not enjoying it… this is where MINDFULNESS can aid greatly. Re-read Tip 7 if necessary.
Tip 10: Mix it up! Try a new position. If you are always on the bottom get on top or vice versa. If you are stuck on what positions to try, get a book on different sexual positions like the Kama Sutra or one of it's many iterations. Try a new location for sex, if you are always in your bedroom, try a different room, get a hotel room, try it on your table (of course, make sure it is sturdy enough). If you have always used the same lube try something that heats up or cools down, or something flavored. Or, on the flips side, if you are like Johne and me and never used lube, HOLY CANNOLI, go get some now. There are so many fun and non-threatening ways to add something new to your sexual repertoire. Just talking (you know cummunicating) about adding something new is very exciting in of and itself, which just adds to the anticipation and excitement! PLEASE Do not stress, dwell on or throw in the towel when you try something new and hate it, which can and does happen… check out my blog Tried It, Hated It! This is normal and to be expected. No one person loves everything!
So you made it through my ten tips. Please be on the lookout for my next post in my five part series on Orgasms #2 of 5; Stop faking it, and start owning your orgasm.
C-U Next time.
Coach Mary C
Thanks to Womansday.com, Volonte.com an Stuart Nugent.